085 - Needs to eat between Xmas & New Year

This woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. why do you want two tatoos there? So she says because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.

086 - Remember Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves atthe pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must presentsomething "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hellthey go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

088 - Making Presents

Dear friends and family,
I shall be making your Christmas presents this year, so let me know your sizes. Christmas is tight for me this year, but I've learned to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads You need four maxis to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Then decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. and you're done.
These slippers are soft AND Hygienic. Non-slip grip strips on the soles, plus the built-in deodorant feature keeps feet smellingfresh. No more bending over to mop up spills, either! They're disposable and biodegradable, and environmentally safe. Not onlythat, but they come in three convenient sizes, Regular, Light day,and Get out the Sand Bags.
Have the Happiest of holidays........

090 - I learned from Santa

Encourage people to believe in you.
Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
Don't pout.
It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
Make your presents known.
Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
Bright red can make anyone look good.
Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:"HO, HO, HO!"

091 - The X-FILES Christmas Case

"We're too late! It's already been here."
"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."
"You really think someone's been here?"
"Someone or some THING."
"Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake."
"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
"Who? What are you talking about?"
"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
"But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"
"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry."
"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."
"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."
"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."
"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."
"Impossible."
"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!"
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."
"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
"But we have no proof."
"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."
"But that was a meteor shower."
"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."
"Mulder, I --"
"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
"On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter."
"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

093 - Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

094 - The Big test

Like all people who are involved in flying vehicles through the sky, Father Christmas has to have a pilot's license. That means regular visits by examiners from the Civil Aviation Authority.
Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge.
Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before.
The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet, did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything.
Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun.
"What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern.
The examiner gave him a little nudge and said "Look here, I shouldn't really be telling you this, but your going to lose an engine on take-off."