089 - Did you see Santa

My daughter-in-law asked my grandson if he had seen Santa Claus onChristmas Eve. Lil’ Jimmy said, “No, but I heard what he said when hestubbed his toe on the sofa.”

109 -Rudolph’S Medical Bill

Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.” The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, “$350 dollars! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me $350 dollars?” The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN.”

110 - Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

111 - Holding For Ransom

Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of preasents for Christmas. He knew that God had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.
“God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of preasents… no that won’t work.”He got on his knees.
“God, I haven’t been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of preasents for my efforts… no that can’t work either!”He laid face flat on the floor.
“God, I have been a complete devil this year. But i can change, I promise! No, theres no way he beleive that!”
Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the modle of the stable that jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgin mary. He went into his room, wrapped mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.
“God, if you ever want to see your mother again…

113 - Rita's Try-on

Rita was going to the Xmas office party but needed a new party frock. So she went into SM and asked the assistant, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'
'Certainly not, madam,' responded the assistant, 'You'll have to use the changing room like everyone else.'

114 - Who Survived

The Perfect Couple:
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After the perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Clause had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as the perfect man.


***Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.


***Men, read the next block of words.
Men: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was an accident in the first place.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, it only serves to illustrate another point, women never listen either.

114 - Bad Education

4 year old sister, mom, dad, 16 year old sister and 14 year old brother.
Moms in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. All of a sudden turkey falls off counter and mom goes “FUCK!”
Then little girl says “Mommy what does ’fuck’ mean?”
Franticly mom says “ummm its just what i’m doing to the turkey =)”
“Ok” says the little girl, then the little girl goes upstairs and sees dad shaving in the washroom. All of a sudden he cuts himself and goes “SHIT!”
Little girl says “daddy what does ’shit’ mean?”
He answers quicky “ummmm, its just the white stuff on my face…”
“ok” says the little girl.
then she goes to her older sister’s room and sees her on her cell phone
she says “……..What?……. REALLY!?……THOSE BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!!!!!” Then the little girl says “Melissa, what does ’bitches and bastards mean’?”
quickly her older sister answers “They’re both just other words for people”
“ok” says the little girl. then she goes to her bro’s room and sees him looking at a porno magazine….. she hears him say “Wow….. look at those tits and balls!” *drools*
then the little girl says “Tony, what does ’tits and balls’ mean?”
quickly the older brother answers “ummmm….. they’re just another word for scarfs and sweaters” he says just randomly thinking of them.
“ok” says the little girl. when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. The little girl opens the door and sees some friends of mom and dad.
she says to them “hello bitches and bastards! please hang your tits and balls on the rack. My Daddys in the washroom wiping the shit off his face and my Mommys in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”
Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas

115

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles. - Unknown