048 - Jingle Bells

the song originally titled "One Horse Open Sleigh"

"Jingle Bells"

050 - Trivia

the biggest selling Christmas single of all time

"White Christmas"

054 - The Virgin

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,

”Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

055 - A Car For Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. ‘Okay.’ said his father ‘I tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘A’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously.’

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said ‘I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet.

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. ‘Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.’ ‘Yes. I’m aware of that…’ replied his father ‘… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?’

057 - Luck of the Draw

A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help.

'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.' Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. 'Undeterred, be prays to God again. 'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.' Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself.

'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'

058 - A phone call to Santa

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.

“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed.. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting.. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

059 - A day after Christmas

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.
When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'"

060 - Christmas Shorts

1. A three-year-old gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner. "I don't like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate."

2. Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for Christmas. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."

3. There was the little boy who approached Santa in a department store with a long list of requests. He wanted a bicycle and a sled, a chemical set, a cowboy suit, a set of trains, a baseball glove and roller skates. "That's a pretty long list," Santa said sternly. "I'll have to check in my book and see if you were a good boy." "No, no," the youngster said quickly. "Never mind checking. I'll just take the roller skates."

061 - Peace on Earth

"Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day." -Helen Steiner Rice

062 - who gets the credit?

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.-Anonymous

064 - ............ for decoration

Q: Why is an impotent man like a Christmas Tree?
A: They both both have balls for decoration.

065 - Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

066 - Way to Heaven

On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'
The boy replied, 'I think I'll give your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?'

067 - The First Reindeer seen in a bar

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

068 - Optimist vs. Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

069 - One Christmas Eve

A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus.Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any price. Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car, telling his wife: "Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do something for us."He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms. "Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve, our busiest time."No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room.""Well," stammered the clerk, "I-- I suppose so.""Okay," said the man. "I guarantee you, they are not coming tonight -- so I'll take their room."

70 - I want to see something really cheap

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

071 - Pontius Pilot

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"

Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

072 - Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

083 - The Gift

Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas,” little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays.

“It’s the best present I ever got.”

”That’s great,” said his uncle.
“Do you know how to play it?”
"Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said.
“My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

085 - Needs to eat between Xmas & New Year

This woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. why do you want two tatoos there? So she says because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.

086 - Remember Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves atthe pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must presentsomething "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hellthey go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

088 - Making Presents

Dear friends and family,
I shall be making your Christmas presents this year, so let me know your sizes. Christmas is tight for me this year, but I've learned to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads You need four maxis to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Then decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. and you're done.
These slippers are soft AND Hygienic. Non-slip grip strips on the soles, plus the built-in deodorant feature keeps feet smellingfresh. No more bending over to mop up spills, either! They're disposable and biodegradable, and environmentally safe. Not onlythat, but they come in three convenient sizes, Regular, Light day,and Get out the Sand Bags.
Have the Happiest of holidays........

090 - I learned from Santa

Encourage people to believe in you.
Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
Don't pout.
It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
Make your presents known.
Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
Bright red can make anyone look good.
Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:"HO, HO, HO!"

091 - The X-FILES Christmas Case

"We're too late! It's already been here."
"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."
"You really think someone's been here?"
"Someone or some THING."
"Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake."
"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
"Who? What are you talking about?"
"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
"But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"
"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry."
"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."
"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."
"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."
"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."
"Impossible."
"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD!"
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."
"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
"But we have no proof."
"Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."
"But that was a meteor shower."
"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."
"Mulder, I --"
"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
"On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter."
"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

093 - Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

094 - The Big test

Like all people who are involved in flying vehicles through the sky, Father Christmas has to have a pilot's license. That means regular visits by examiners from the Civil Aviation Authority.
Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge.
Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before.
The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet, did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything.
Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun.
"What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern.
The examiner gave him a little nudge and said "Look here, I shouldn't really be telling you this, but your going to lose an engine on take-off."

095 - The Big Goodbye

Harry was not only the boss, he was a serious practical joker, who was always playing embarrassing tricks on his staff.
Then came the day of the Office Christmas Dinner, which seemed like a good opportunity for everyone to pay him back.
Whilst Harry was gone to the toilet, someone took a look through his wallet, found his National Lottery tickets and noted the numbers one one of them.
Then, a waitress was persuaded to walk past Harry's table with a note containing the numbers of his ticket, asking if anyone was interested in knowing the winning numbers. (Which was almost everyone because it was a 'treble rollover'.) Then she read out the numbers from the list she had been given, and then left the note on the table within Harry's reach.
Harry casually picked up the note, then slowly took out his wallet and compared his tickets with information he had just received. He suddenly went very quiet and returned the wallet to his pocket. Anyone sitting close to him must have noticed the beads of sweat appearing on his forehead and the acceleration of his breathing.
He furtively took out his wallet once again and rechecked the numbers, very closely.
Suddenly, he got to his feet and stood on his chair and said "Can I have everyone's attention please. I have a very important announcement to make. There's something I want you all to know. (pause) I hate working for this company and I always have. Our Director are nothing more than rogues and charlatans, interested in nothing but their own self interest. For a long time now I have been having an affair with my secretary, who is the employee in this company for whom I have any regard. I hate you all and you can all go to hell. I've just one a ton of money and I'm leaving right now. Happy Christmas everyone!"

096 - Beautiful diamond ring for Christmas

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

097 - The Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

098 - Christmas Parot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire! (Ouch!)

099 - A Son In-law

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

100 - Buy Your Own Gift

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.
In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.
He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.

101 - Christmas gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

102 - Office Xmas Party

December 1 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty LewisHuman Resources Director
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December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty LewisHuman Resources Director
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December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty LewisHuman Researchers Director
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December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty LewisHuman Racehorses Director
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December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty LewisHuman Ratraces
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December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays! Terri BishopActing Human Resources Director

103 - Six Legged Turkey for Xmas

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.'
Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted. 'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'

105 - 12 Days of Xmas

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist ... you're just too kind.
Love,Agnes

December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,Agnes

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,Agnes

December 20th
John:
What's with you and those f--king birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY ....... So stop with those f--king birds.
Sincerely,Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is sh-t all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me SMART ASS!

December 22nd
Hey Sh-thead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And damn - do they pipe!! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
FromAg

December 23rd
You Rotten Pig!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - and I use the term "ladies" loosely! They've been flirting with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh-t. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
One who means it,Ag

December 24th
Listen F--khead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing ghastly acts with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar Attorneys at Law

107 - Smart Kid

Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.
When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in aquestioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?
Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.
When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his motherif Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.
Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to addto my list then."
"What is that?asked Mom.
"Why an elf, of course.replied Timmy.
"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?queried Mom.
"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves,replied Timmy, "andhave them build me all the toys I'll ever need?