063 - No Nativity Scene for Christmas

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

"Are You God?"

One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a store window. The little child had no shoes and his clothes were mere rags. A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him some new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing.
They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, 'Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."
The little boy looked up at her and asked, "Are you God, Ma'am?"
She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."
The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."

074 - Christmas for lawyers

It is Christmas eve.

A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

075 - How Long?

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"

The irate conductor says to the drunk "
It's still about two hours, laddie.
Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's,
but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"

077 - Afraid of Santa

A man went to his psychiatrist and said,

"What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."

The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrofobic."

076 - Wanna meet Santa

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.

Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,

"Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stayfor a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

078 - Santa couldn't believe it

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.So hedecided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality! Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?

079 - No Gift this Year

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

080 - I’m a Christmas bell

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a Christmas bell!”
“Take these pills and if they don’t work, give me a ring.”

081 - A four year old boy

A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

082 - At the Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."